Breathe In, Breathe Out
by Crystallinee
Summary: Sasuke must live. That is the ultimate rule in Itachi's universe, no matter what it takes. But Sasuke's desperate obsession with him puts them both on the edge. Angst. ItaSasu, SasuIta.
1. Part I

**_Breathe In, Breathe Out_**

 ** _Part I_**

Many thanks to my amazing beta reader, May.  
Trigger warning: suicide mention. _  
_

* * *

_Tired of the weight I drag around  
Slowly breaking, I'm fading away  
Stumbling blind, I need some piece of mind  
Standing on the edge now, can you hear me calling?_

* * *

It was such a dull day. Muddy snow glimmered faintly in the few rays of sunlight that managed to slip through the thick clouds. It would soon be gone again. When the winter darkness enveloped the world with its suffocating hold, only the streetlights and light from bypassing cars would show the way.

He would be done way before then, though.

The teen increased his pace. With his hands deep in his pockets and his trademark spiky hair visible from afar, he hurried across the streets, walking confidently toward his goal. Sasuke had never been the one to hesitate. He made a decision and he would follow through with it, no matter what.

 _This time, you're not the one leaving me behind._

He reached the end of the street and looked up. He could make out the silhouette of a crowd waiting at the station. Not even their soundly chatter could drown out the noisy mess in his head, the thoughts bouncing back and forth like a tense rubber band. He slowed his pace; he had checked the timetables carefully and he knew that there was no chance he'd miss it. But then again, he must not come too early; it was of utmost importance.

He couldn't help but grin defiantly, imagining Naruto's voice in his mind. He knew how upset his friend would be if he had any idea what Sasuke was about to do: he would grit his teeth and scream at him. "Snap out of it already, you idiot! You can't just give up like that, you have to fight!"

 _I don't want to.  
_

"You have to!"

 _Am I weak?_

"You are so stupid, teme," Naruto would glare at him and say: "You can't give up!"

 _Why? Weakness is to fail. I won't fail.  
_

Naruto wasn't here; he would not be able to stop him. That thought gave him some relief; he did not want to face his friend after he found out.

Sasuke closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them again, there was a new kind of determination there. He could feel it - he was not going to regret this. He didn't intend to further nurse his manic mind, or indulge in the knowledge of the inevitable: that _he_ would leave him again.

This time, there was no solution; there would not be a day when he would be happy. This was the only way out.

He could hear another voice in his head now: _I love you, always._  
The memory made him grit his teeth _.  
_

But in the end, it didn't matter what he said or did. His eyes narrowed. If _he_ didn't have to go, despite Sasuke telling him not to… _begging_ him not to… then things would have been different. He was unable to stop his own suffering and he despised the fact that he remained so dreadfully attached to _him,_ no matter how he struggled. As he tried to hold onto _him,_ his inner wounds only became deeper. _  
_

_He_ had no intention of staying. _He_ wanted to sacrifice himself for the greater good. _He_ knew it would mean leaving Sasuke behind… and he would do it.

 _No_ , Sasuke thought almost gleefully as he clenched his fists, _it's my turn now_. _Watch this, brother. You won't be able to stop me._ The thought was oddly satisfying, pleasurable.

He checked his surroundings for a place that would do, putting as much distance between himself and the crowd as possible. The last thing he wanted was attention. He found a perfect spot that was empty from any witnesses, giving him full access to the rail. He had a few minutes; he just needed to step over the edge.

Why was it suddenly so hard to take that step? He knew that from the platform he was standing on, he would not be able to get up without help. If he changed his mind … His heart beat faster, almost teasing him.

He glanced around for any possible witnesses, or at least using it as an excuse to take his time, and found his gaze lingering on the big clock on the roof. A mother with her child in his peripheral vision caught his attention for several more seconds.

A voice deep within his mind taunted him: _Cut it out, drama queen. If you really intended to do it, you would have done it already,_ it mocked him. _You have had so many chances._

"Shut up!" he hissed.

Still, he realized with a hiss, why was he out here in broad daylight? It was as if he was practically asking to be stopped. He had planned everything carefully when he left home early this morning.

Did he want to be stopped?

It unnerved him that he didn't know the answer to that question.

He could not seem to find a cure for his sorrow - because the remedy was always going to be inaccessible. It was impossible to get away from it – his heart was hopelessly attached to _him_ and that was the most masochistic thing he would ever engage in. It was never his intention to get so dependent on _him_ , but then it happened and he was unable to undo it.

Sasuke pressed his nails into his palms fiercely. Why this sudden hesitation? A part of him was begging for it all to end, wishing for his heart to stop beating and his life to be over. He had been begging for it to end so many times, soaking his pillow wet and cursing this whole fucking existence of his.

He couldn't even remember how it felt to be happy – but looking back on his childhood with _him_ , he knew he had been, before. But not anymore - everything felt like a sick nightmare. Every day of his life was a battle.

He had been left behind, he had been wounded inside, and he was not going to fight anymore. He was lost. He had waited, day after day, and all he could do now was to take matters into his own hands.

 _Just like Itachi took matters into his own hands when he decided to leave you for the greater good._

And soon his escape would come into the station: his painless way out of this hell. Every step he took in any other direction was reminding him of his bad choices. So he simply moved further away from the station so that he would be able to meet the train at a high speed - at least enough so it would kill him without any unnecessary pain. He didn't intend to be slowly crushed – he planned to be already dead by then.

 _But maybe_ , his mind taunted him, _slowly enough for Itachi to see you, and realize._

One thing he had often wondered about – what do people think about in the last moments before they end their own life? Are they happy, do they smile? He certainly didn't know. But once you've decided to go for that irreversible option, it doesn't really matter.

Glancing up at the pale, sickly white sky, a familiar face appeared in his mind for a moment, tearing at his sanity. _His_ warm gaze, overflowing with love and kindness. It only strengthened Sasuke's resolve.

"Stop," he hissed, "don't look at me that way if you're only going to leave."

He took a shallow breath and jumped down onto the rail below. His knees hit the cold metal hard. So he was still able to feel pain. He wondered if it would hurt… how much it would hurt. An ice-cold sensation filled his veins, making his heart jump. Naruto's annoying voice in his mind again. "Think of your brother!"

 _Yes, think of my brother_. Would it break Itachi's heart? He grinned.

The answer to that question made his chest ache to the extent that he had to check that he wasn't mangled already. No, he realized when he found himself still staring absentmindedly at the pattern of loose stones in front of him.

Not yet. He could hear a speaker voice floating out over the station:

 _"Train 11 incoming in two minutes."_

Sasuke gritted his teeth for a moment. He took a deep breath; the sound of the crowd's chattering was trying to break through his mental barrier. They were blissfully unaware of him, of course.

How many seconds left? He counted down.

One minute and forty seconds…

One minute and twenty seconds…

Itachi's face plagued him in his mind. He mentally tried to cover his ears and eyes, but _his_ beautiful face was still there, looking at him with such love.

 _Stop it!_

Those days were over now. All his scars would finally disappear, along with the thoughts. 'The world would have been much better without me – no – it wouldn't have made any difference at all.'

All the worn out cliché expressions would perish from his world. 'It will get better', 'things change for the better'. They could keep their dirty lies to themselves.

Even _his_ words – _"It's alright, Sasuke._ "

And now he was closing in on death. He spent some moments imagining Itachi's reaction when he saw him die, or found out about the death of his little brother.

Let the bastard cry.

Sasuke squeezed his eyes together hard. Damn it. There was no use in thinking about _him._ Because life was so fucking unfair, there was no justice in anything.

He did not want to see Itachi cry. He did not want him to suffer. Sasuke had heard so much about it – what he was about to do would affect everyone but himself. Himself too, of course, but he was not going to experience it.

Everyone who knew about it would someday ask themselves: 'Why did it happen? _What_ was the final straw? Did it have anything to do with… _me_?' They would feel like they failed him. As if he cared about them.

He would lose all purpose without Itachi.

Only thirty seconds to go.

Sasuke grasped the stones in his hands, as he registered it somewhere in the back of his mind - the rumble of the train approaching.

Blinding lights hit him in the face. The loud thumping increased and became ear-splitting loud.

He closed his eyes.

"Sasuke!"

* * *

 _Feedback is very welcome._


	2. Part II

**_Part II  
_**

* * *

 _I do not want to be afraid_  
 _I do not want to die inside just to breathe in_  
 _I'm tired of feeling so numb_  
 _Relief exists I found it when  
_ _I was cut_

 _._

He grasped onto something with all his might, realizing his muscles were locked in place. A terrible, stinging pain spread like fire along his arms and legs, forcefully invading his mind. What was this?

It took him several moments to process the realization that something had hit him in the chest – but not quite with the force he had expected. It was highly uncomfortable and heavy, making it hard to breathe.

 _Breathe_ – that instinct finally kicked in after several delayed seconds and Sasuke gasped for air. As he gulped down as much as he could, another realization hit him; one that was more uncomfortable than the pressure on his chest and the stinging pain combined.

Something had gone wrong.

Where was his adrenaline rush, the sweet escape? Where was the painlessness, the feeling of floating freely far away from this world?

The same force that pressed his chest down into sharp gravel pushed him away from that dark paradise – more and more it was fading before his eyes. He tried to struggle out of its grip and dive right back, but was unable to move a muscle.

In the next moment all sensations returned, with such force that he wanted to physically hide inside his mind. Sharp stones pressing into his back, a ripping pain spreading across his body, a weight pressed down on him, something tickling his face, his muscles cramping, his head hurting, something wet seeping through his hair, a noisy mess of shouting voices and running steps, someone's harsh breathing into his ear, the smell of dirt and something metallic that made his nose wrinkle and a wave of nausea rise in his throat.

Sasuke forced his eyes open and was suddenly scared – he saw nothing. Nothing at all, only darkness. He blinked a couple of times and realized what was blinding him. Blood seeped down his face, leaving a wet, warm trail. He kept on blinking until his sight was somewhat restored.

Then he realized he was looking straight into Itachi's wide open, pitch black eyes. With an uneven breath, Sasuke attempted to move his hands and realized that his fingers had locked themselves around soft fabric – a shirt. They were strangely wet and sticky, he noticed.

His brother's body was partly raised, partly pressed against his own. Emotions radiated off of him in shock waves, making Sasuke unable to look straight at him.

"Otouto…"

His tears then overflowed; he could not keep them in anymore. Sasuke grimaced and pressed his face into his brother's neck. Itachi's breathing slowed somewhat.

He felt a hand cup his neck softly while the pressure disappeared from his chest. The sudden change was more uncomfortable than ever. Sasuke tried to raise his hand to shield his face from the bright lights, but to no avail. A moment later he was cradled in his brother's arms, as if he weighed nothing more than a child.

Sasuke struggled to look around, disoriented, but his eyes wanted to lock themselves onto his brother's face. A trail of blood seeping down Itachi's shoulder made him flinch.

The noise all around them, screaming and shouting people, reached his sensitive ears. Bright lights, pain… Itachi must have pushed him out of the way, onto the minimal space between the rail and the platform.

Itachi's breathing in his ear and the feeling of his rapid heartbeat calmed him somewhat. He refused to think about anything but this very moment, dreading what was to come.

But Itachi did not say a word.

.

Sasuke realized that he must have passed out, for when he opened his eyes again he was at home. They were back in their family home, which they still lived in. He was placed on the couch in the living room and he noticed a first aid kit on the floor.

Itachi remained silent, his lips set in a grim line and his eyes empty. Sasuke remained limp and motionless, still feeling dizzy, and let his brother tend to him. Not a word passed between them as Itachi washed and bandaged the long, vertical cuts that adorned Sasuke's thighs down to his ankles, and shoulders down to his wrists.

Sasuke uninterestedly looked at himself – he was dirty all over after being pushed down in the filthy gravel. Some parts of him must have been injured by the edge of the train before Itachi pushed him out of the way. Another sight bothered him, however – Itachi had a deep, nasty wound in his shoulder.

Still, he could not find the voice to demand that his brother tend to it first. Itachi had simply pressed a towel against it, making a red-brownish stain appear.

He let the elder undress him and carry him to the bathroom. Sasuke stared blankly at his brother's back as he drew a bath and poured oil into it, steam enveloping his body. He watched absentmindedly as Itachi turned around, very slowly, and lifted Sasuke into his arms again before ever so carefully placing him in the bath.

The silence lay heavy between them as Sasuke stared into nothingness. Itachi carefully picked up a washcloth and started cleaning his skin, so very gently as if he was made of glass. Sasuke let him continue without ever meeting his gaze. The silence gradually grew tenser, until the bubble finally popped.

Itachi's voice was devoid of any emotion, completely lifeless.

"Why did you do it, Sasuke?"

The younger of the two flinched away from his touch, making the water splash all over him. Sasuke turned away, staring at the minimal cracks in the grey tiles.

"When Shisui… " He forced himself to continue. "When Shisui threw himself in front of that bus, you let it happen."

He knew those words would hurt his brother, so very deeply. Yet he did not feel any remorse.

The voice that answered him was so quiet he almost didn't hear what he said.

"I could not stop it. I was too late."

"So you were just feeling guilty?" Anger leaked through Sasuke's voice. He turned his head to glare at his brother, finally finding a trace of emotion in himself, and was surprised by what he saw.

Itachi was no longer composed; his face resembled an old, tired man. The raw hurt and anger were evident in every feature of his being, radiating so strongly from him that it startled the younger. Itachi stared right at him with flaring, dark eyes.

"Do you honestly think I would allow you to die, Sasuke? Do you think I could possibly go on without you, even for a moment?"

The younger boy looked defiantly at him. "You were about to do the same to me, when you accepted that mission."

Itachi fell down onto his knees, his trembling hands grabbing Sasuke's shoulders as if to support himself. The washcloth fell down between them.

He lowered his head, his voice laced with more hurt than Sasuke had ever heard him express before. "I could stand by and watch Shisui die… but not ever you. Not ever you, Otouto."

Several seconds passed in complete silence. Eventually, Sasuke stood up and stepped out of the bathtub, watching the dirty water disappear through the drain. A soft towel was wrapped around his upper body. He didn't protest as Itachi gently dried him from head to toe and then led him to their bedroom as if he was unable to find the way by himself.

Itachi walked over to the dresser and handed him a pair of trousers and a clean t-shirt. Still dissociating, Sasuke put them on without further thought. The bandages itched, but it was surprisingly easy to push that feeling away to some remote corner of his subconscious mind.

Itachi left him alone for only a moment, returning with a first aid kit and began treating his own wound. He threw his bloody shirt off and gracefully put on a clean one, but it couldn't cover his large bandage completely.

 _He was hurt because of me. I hurt him._

Sasuke remained standing in the middle of the room, not sure what to do next. Somehow, his plan had completely failed. He had not expected to be there to deal with the aftermaths of his decision, whatever they might be. He did not want any responsibility in it.

He gritted his teeth. Damn Itachi who always had to interfere, even in the decision Sasuke wanted to take.

Itachi led him gently to the bed and motioned for him to lie down. Sasuke complied without fussing and obediently lay down beneath the covers. A familiar weight pressed softly against his back.

After a moment, Itachi wrapped his arms around him from behind and held him close.

His voice was softer now, overflowing with sadness. "What were you thinking, Otouto?"

Sasuke stared at the wall in front of him. He focused on breathing, slowly in and out. He hoped it would be enough to keep himself from falling apart, enough to regain his composure.

Such a numb stillness inside. There was no risk he would crack; the wild waterfall of emotions inside of him had frozen completely.

Was this how you were supposed to feel after being given a second chance at life?

 _If it wasn't for him, then…_

Sasuke pressed his arms to his chest; the sudden pain spread through his entire ribcage. It felt like a gaping hole in the chest.

"Are you in pain?"

Sasuke closed his eyes. _His_ voice, always so genuinely concerned… no matter what Sasuke put him through, no matter if he himself was hurt… Itachi was so disgustingly selfless.

The arms around him tightened slightly. "I am here, Sasuke. I will take care of you."

That kind voice tormented him. But the hole in his chest demanded him to speak.

"You're already thinking of leaving; don't try to pretend that you're not."

Silence.

"… That is the reason you tried to kill yourself?" He could sense it now, the hint of accusation in Itachi's low voice.

Sasuke turned around to face him with a glare. "I would have managed if you didn't interfere, _Nii-san_."

Itachi stared at him for a moment before raising his hand and placing it behind Sasuke's head, making the younger boy unable to pull away. He pressed their foreheads together, the tips of their noses touching.

"What made you think I would not interfere when my little brother was about to commit a terrible mistake?" he breathed. Something in his gaze made Sasuke's mouth go dry; his voice escaped him.

Sasuke tried to glare at him, but the older man's breath was sweeping all over his face, strangely enough numbing the pounding in his head.

"Enough," he hissed. "If you are going to leave, just fucking do it already."

Itachi's eyes softened. "I thought you would be able to live on without me, even if my mission meant I could not be with you anymore. That's what I wanted you to do."

Sasuke clenched his fists. "You're fucking wrong!"

Itachi moved his other hand to wipe away the tears that already gathered in Sasuke's eyes, threatening to spill over. He sat up and slowly pulled the boy into his arms, cradling him to his chest. Sasuke grasped his shirt again, as if to keep him there. He buried his face against Itachi's shoulder, the barrier finally breaking as his tears overflowed.

Itachi buried his face in his hair. "Sasuke, today I experienced a terror I never thought I was capable of feeling. To see you there… there is one thing I need you to understand. If you were killed by that train, I would have jumped in front of the next one."

"… You're lying."

"Sasuke, look at me. As I was heading to the station after receiving a frantic call from your friend, I was already checking the timetables for the next train. Trust me on this."

The younger boy finally looked up. Tears were streaming down Itachi's face, his teeth gritted together in heartbreaking pain.

Sasuke pushed them down onto the mattress again, staring intensely into the other's eyes.

"Then stay with me."

Itachi's grip tightened around his body. He closed his eyes for a moment. The mission he had accepted would be dangerous, he knew. He refused to bring Sasuke with him, knowing that the chance of them both returning safely would be slim. Still, it was something Itachi had wowed to do – Shisui's last wish had to be fulfilled. Now when his former best friend could not go for himself, Itachi had promised him to negotiate between the two nations himself. But he had never expected Sasuke to react like this, convinced that he would be fine. Naruto would take care of him. Sasuke had other friends.

Itachi wanted to punch himself when he realized what his decision would have led to. Sasuke, the only important person left in this world.

 _Sasuke._ The one Itachi would sacrifice every last piece of himself for.

He stroked his little brother's soft tresses, his chest clenching at the thought of him sitting there on the rail, clutching his head as he faced the headlights without a trace of fear. His posture had been so despondent, as if he had no hope left in his body.

 _How did it come to this?_

That sight would haunt Itachi for months, returning in his nightmares every so often. He wanted to shake Sasuke, yell at him and cry, how could he possibly even _think_ of doing that? It was a permanent decision, after all. How easily his frail body would turn into nothing, irreparable. Itachi would take his place a hundred times over, if it meant Sasuke wouldn't.

Shisui had been completely lost. He had told Itachi the night before that there was nothing he could do to change his fate. Itachi had pleaded with him, tried to stop him, but when morning came it was too late. Itachi had despaired, waking every night trembling violently. What he didn't remember until now, however, was the strange glimpse of something in Sasuke's eyes when he heard the news.

Was the mission worth it? Itachi didn't care for his own demise, but Sasuke's… Sasuke must live. That was ultimate rule in Itachi's universe.

Itachi had sworn to protect him since the moment he was born. It was impossible to ever compromise that.

A pain so unfathomable it couldn't possibly fit within him threatened to overtake him when he realized just how _close_ it had been.

He grasped onto his little brother's body, holding him as if he was the one needing comfort.

"… I promise," he answered him.

Sasuke pressed their lips together so roughly that all air escaped his lungs. Their mouths molded intensely against each other as he lost all reason. Itachi rolled him over and pressed him softly into the mattress, taking a hold of his face with both hands. The kiss turned feverish, urgent and deep altogether. They were both completely out of air, but that wasn't needed. Sasuke's lungs felt perfectly fine. Itachi embraced him like his life depended on it and Sasuke intertwined his fingers into his brother's hair, pulling him even closer.

 _So this is how it feels to be alive._

He threw his head back and took a deep breath, feeling the oxygen rush into his lungs with such a deep satisfaction. Itachi was there, breathing life into him.

Maybe this was better than death after all.

 _Fin._


End file.
